“Time does not pass, it continues”

It’s been three years. How has it been three years?

This last year has been a year of healing for me it seems. I’ve adjusted a bit more to Lucas growing older, smarter and continuing to be a great big brother. Being super involved in PTA at school has been a great distraction, along with more playdates with Claudia (especially Friday lunch/grocery shopping trips with a cookie).

I’ve slowly come to terms with my high anxiety and (at times) severe depression. I’ve always had a tendency towards them both, but the grief and stress exacerbated the conditions. Gradually, I’m seeing I am not invincible. I’m human, and that’s ok.

In the process of coming to terms with everything, joy has started to seep back in. On May 1st, we took a spontaneous trip to Branson. It was very similar to our last trip we took with Logan. Lunch at the Branson Landing, fun at the Fish Hatchery and visiting the shore of Table Rock Lake to throw some rocks. It was Claudia’s first time being able to participate at the Fish Hatchery and she loved it. The fish were fascinating to her as they splashed, fighting for the food she was throwing. I was reminded of the beautiful sunny day with Logan and throwing food to the fish. So much joy was had that day 3 years ago, and I felt the same joy once again. Something I never thought was possible.

Grief has taken a turn from anger to apologetic. Maybe they are one in the same though. It’s a crazy roller coaster ride. Grief never ends; it just changes. Not a sign of weakness, but rather the price of true, pure love.

My Logan,

I’m sorry you got the short end of the stick in life. I’m sorry you never felt the sensation of rolling, crawling, walking, running or climbing. I’m sorry you won’t see your 4th birthday this year. It was my favorite year with your brother Lucas. He really enjoyed going out and doing things. Plus, he was tall enough to ride some of the rides at Silver Dollar City! I was really looking forward to pictures of you and Lucas on the small roller coaster or the tea cups. I’m sorry you never met the orneriness known as Claudia. We probably would have had to have two TV’s set up for you two to get along. Daniel Tiger and Little Einstein’s going 24/7. For as snugly and cuddly as you were, Claudia is strong and independent.
What was given to you was an injustice. It’s not fair. To any of us. Its infuriating, heart breaking and devastating. However, you handled it all with grace, laughter, and tenacity. The muscle weakness didn’t stop your smile. It didn’t stop your love for Little Einstein’s or trains. It didn’t stop you from holding my hand during the happy times or the most trying and difficult times. Spinal Muscular Atrophy didn’t define you. Even though you were so young, so underserving of this condition, it never stopped you from loving life.

And with your joyful spirit on my mind, I too will never stop: Loving you. Missing you. Fighting for you.


Until we meet again…


When 2 years feels like forever…

Two years ago this morning, our beautiful Logan boy took his last breath and peacefully left this world.

Facebook has a relatively new feature called “On This Day”.  Most days I find it interesting and even entertaining. This past week has been hard seeing the memories and I was really dreading today’s update. However, I was astonished. There were so many comments, pictures and shares in my memory thread of those comforting us in our time of great loss. To be reminded of how many lives Logan touched was so uplifting.

Two years brings a lot of changes. Lucas growing older, Claudia being born and celebrating her first birthday (not to mention all the milestones we were unable to celebrate the same way with Logan), and learning how to balance in life in the aftermath of loss. I feel we are in a very awkward phase of grieving. I know, awkward is not necessarily a word that comes to mind when discussing death, but I feel it is the only appropriate term to describe this phase.  My heart still hurts on a daily basis, but I am starting to see more happiness than sadness. I’m becoming more involved in Lucas’ school and figuring out play dates for Claudia. These events take precedent on a daily basis and some days that is hard. Some days I feel like I’m failing Logan for not growing his foundation more and in reality having to reign it in some.

Today has reminded me of how much an impact Logan has had. The impact he made on us and this world is more than we could ever imagine.  He accomplished something in his life that I may never do, and that’s ok. This was one of his mission’s and he carried it out successfully.

There will forever be a Logan shaped hole in our hearts. For every smile, there will be a tear as our hearts ache he is not physically here to enjoy every moment with us. However, the memories we have and will share with Claudia help keep a piece of him with us.

As you carry on with your day, be sure to reach out and say hi to an old friend you haven’t seen in a long time. Give a friendly smile to the barista that looks stressed out from doing 10 coffee orders at one time. Give your kids/spouse an extra hug. Let people know how much they mean to you today.

Best wishes,


*For updates on us and the foundation, check out the blog posted last night*

Photo bomb time🙂

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Rediscovering Ourselves

Two years ago, I had no idea in a few short hours our baby boy would leave this world and a “Logan shaped hole” would be left in his place. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster the past 2 years. However, I wanted to give an update on everything.

Lucas is now 8 and so incredibly intelligent, it’s scary. He absorbs information like a sponge and loves learning. We still have tough days where Logan is immensely missed more than normal, but that is to be expected. Death is such a difficult situation to understand as an adult, let alone a child who does not have full reign of their emotions. It really is incredible how resilient children are when they are placed in extremely tough situations.

Claudia is now 14 months. I know, I know…time flies!!! She is running around and being ornery as ever. She is completely opposite of Logan. I’m not kidding…we could not have created a more opposite child if we tried.  She is already trying to problem solve and has great motor skills for being so young. Her spunk and spirit have brought a lot of happiness and hope for tomorrow back to our lives.

There has been a lot of silence since Claudia was born, and I apologize for seemingly falling off the face of the earth. It was truly unintentional. I don’t think I realized how much effort it was going to take to readjust to our new circumstances.

The foundation is still up and running, however we have eliminated almost all events outside of informational events this year. Yes, this sadly includes the 5k/Walk, Run, Roll. Life has thrown me a few curve balls and I’m still learning to balance. With this, there is a lot of guilt. A lot of “should be able to” and “why can’t I” statements. It is very tough to scale back, but I know Logan would want me to make sure Lucas and Claudia are taken care of and thriving above any other tasks.

Our hope is to pick up the pace with Logan’s foundation next year, but I’m taking everything a day at a time. Currently, my two biggest hopes are (1) update the Facebook page/blog more often to keep everyone up to date on the latest breakthroughs in medicine and (2) to do another fundraiser to help raise more books the care packages. We have received so many great comments saying how much they appreciated them for their newly diagnosed little ones.

I almost forgot, today is Mother’s Day! We still celebrate Mother’s Day a week before like we did when Logan was here. But I hope all those reading this, Moms and Single Dad’s, had a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Wishing you all the best,

Photo bomb time🙂

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Happy 2nd Birthday Logan!

Dear Logan,

Its hard to believe its been 2 years since you have been born! Where has the time gone? Its been a little over a year since you left us to fly somewhere beyond the moon, but we still think of you everyday. We love you so much and proud of the life you lived while here with us.

We try not to think of the could have been’s or how it would be today. Would you be talking our ear off? Would you be jealous that our laps are half taken by Claudia? I’m sure if it wasn’t for SMA, you would be running around like a maniac and want to be outside all the time. 

Even though you are no longer physically with us, we know your spirit lingers on. Your memory and legacy will never die. So today we celebrate you: your bright smile, sad pout, bubbly personality and fighting spirit. 

We hope you are having fun, flying around and watching from above. We miss you every moment of everyday.

Happy Birthday Little Little Man
❤ Love you Squishy❤


In Memory of Logan – Our 1st Donation!

Excerpt for our blog: November 29th, 2012
Today we received our care package from FSMA (Families of SMA). They are so incredibly generous. There were toys that Logan can play with, a bath pillow to make bath time easier as his muscles weaken more, a bubble blower, a beautiful quilt made by the grandma of Nora (www.goodentree.com) who also has SMA. Several foundations were involved in donating. I told Brett one day when we are able, I would love to contribute to the care package somehow.

When we started on Logan’s journey, there two things we knew we wanted to do: Start a foundation of support for Southwest Missouri and contribute to Families of Spinal Muscular Atrophy care packages for newly diagnosed families. While searching for local support (and finding none sadly), we stumbled upon FSMA’s website. I contacted them the Monday after Thanksgiving and within 3 days, we had a carbed and care package. The care package opened up a whole new world for us and what we could do with Logan. It was very exciting!

This year, with the help of so many people, we were able to accomplish the second half of our dreams. 200 Usborne Touchy Feely Books were delivered to FSMA and placed in the Type I care packages! The Jacob Isaac Rappoport Foundation has been fully funding the Type I Care Package Program since 2009 and we are so honored to contribute to the cause.

Why Touchy Feely Books? Because they were Logan’s favorite past time. It was something the we could all do with him too. Lucas could not quite read yet, but the books were simple enough to read and then describe with his imagination. If Logan was starting to become cranky, we could pull out a “That’s Not My…” book and he would cheer up!

A huge thank you to everyone who made this possible. We could not have reached this goal alone. I am so excited that a small memory of Logan will be delivered in each box and hopefully will bring smiles to those going through this difficult journey.

**To see the post by Families of SMA about our donation, click: http://www.fsma.org/LatestNews/index.cfm?ID=8445&TYPE=1150

Here are a few of our wonderful memories captured while reading these books with our baby boy:
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2013…what a year!

I feel people fall into three categories when it comes to New Year’s. 1. Those who are excited to leave this year behind and have a fresh start in the new. 2. Those who feel neither here nor there. They feel everything happens for a reason and that regardless of how this year went, it helped prepare them for the new. 3. Those who are anxious, sad, and possibly down right terrified to leave this year behind.

I quite possibly fit perfectly into the third group.

2013 has been a wonderful and horrible year all wrapped up in one. On New Years Eve 2012, I was anxious about entering 2013. As we sat in my glider, watching the ball drop on TV along with his sweet sleeping face, I knew there was the very real possibility that it would be Logan’s only New Year’s Celebration and we would not get to leave the year with him. Unfortunately, that became true. In the 4.5 months before that happened, many beautiful and wonderful memories were made.

Our favorites include:
Feeding Giraffes!

I imagine Logan saying "Ah, so you are who they have been telling me about" lol

Flying his first foam airplane then laughing when it crashed

Logan getting ready to fly his first foam airplane :) And...check out the new kicks :)

The countless number of postcards sending love!!!

US Postcards!

Logan’s Prime: 8 Months old

Hoppy Easter!!!

STL Train Ride at 9 months old!
Big smiles <3

Our Logan garden stone❤

The garden stone we did Sunday <3

Our final trip to Branson. It was one of the best trips we ever had with Logan


Brotherly love during those last days

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Logan’s last smile❤
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Countless Balloons sent to Logan from around the World

After Logan passed, a new chapter in our lives began, whether we were ready or not. The first two weeks without him are a blur when looking back. I never knew you could literally feel nothing. We pushed forward and decided we wanted to keep our word to him in his last moments on earth. We promised we would keep fighting for him. And fight we have!

We started the Logan Ruth SMA Foundation!!! Currently we are the only foundation dedicated to finding a treatment/cure for SMA in Southwest Missouri.

Out of the foundation, many awesome things have happened!
– We hosted our 1st Annual Logan’s 5k for SMA
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-Chick-fil-A graciously allowed us to have a Spirit Night to help raise funds
-Farmer’s Market graciously allowed us to have a booth for 2 Saturdays during August (SMA Awareness Month) to spread awareness
-We had a booth at the Women in Business Shopping Event to help spread awareness
-Our 1st Annual Shopping for a Cure was a huge success on Facebook

Altogether, we raised over $4,000, reached our goal of 200 books donated/sponosred for FSMA’s care packages, and printed 5,000 business cards and brochures to help spread awareness everywhere we go.

And how could we forget…
Its hard not too. Especially with her using my bladder as a trampoline currently😉

We have hope that 2014 will redeem the hell that has been 2013. Our rainbow baby will be due not too much longer from now. We are getting the books ready to send out to FSMA and planning the 2nd Annual Logan’s 5k for SMA. An amazing opportunity to speak about Logan and SMA is coming in a few weeks as well!

A huge thank you to everyone who supported us during our best and worst times. Those who donated to help pay medical bills, those who sent messages letting us know they were thinking of us, those who bought Logan shirts to help us spread awareness and those who donated their time, money, and/or energy to help make our events a success..thank you all so much. There truly are not enough words to express our appreciation.

While I am not ready to enter 2014 without our Logan (down right terrified is more like it), there is no choice but to keep moving forward. We miss Logan more than words can explain, but nothing can steal our precious memories of his beautiful smile. 2013 taught me more about life than I ever though I would learn. However, I believe 2014 will be full of more learning opportunities in hopefully in a more positive light. We will be supporting families who feel lost after diagnosis, spreading awareness to those who haven’t heard of SMA and a step closer to finding a treatment and cure!

In the New Year, we challenge you to seize everyday. Make a bucket list, even just a few things you would really like to accomplish in the next 365 days. Try and smile a bit more. Enjoy the air around you. Hug and love on your children, no matter how annoying they may be🙂 These will be on my list too!

May you have a safe New Year’s Eve and a healthy, joyous, and prosperous New Year.

'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened' - Dr Seuss

‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’ – Dr Seuss

‘Christmas Time Is Here’

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ” -Norman Vincent Peale

Where has time gone? It feels as if Christmas snuck up on us again this year! I was reading over my post from this time last year and found I felt the same way last year.
From 2012: “I actually said I wish it wasn’t Christmas. However, Brett reminded me it is better that it is Christmas tomorrow and we get to spend the whole day with our two boys than for it not to be and we not have this opportunity again. Once again, the hubby is right🙂.”

My husband is a very smart man and was indeed very right. We had a wonderful Christmas with our boys last year. We knew it was quite possibly Logan’s only Christmas with us on Earth and we were determined to make the most of it.

I’ll be honest and say I have been dreading the holidays. Thanksgiving was hard as Logan’s diagnosis came the day before in 2012. It had been a year since we started the blog and decided to make a bucket list. It was too painful to come back right then and make a post. The reality that it had been a year since all this began was too hard.

A few days ago, our final project for Logan arrived just in time for Christmas!
Full areaBenchFront    Left Side Right SideBack of Monument

Logan’s Bench and Monument are made out of green granite. The monument is a baby block and to our knowledge, the only one in our area like it. It is the first that Wommack Monument Company in Springfield, MO has ever designed ♥ If you are in the Springfield, MO area and would like to, you can visit Logan at Rivermonte Memorial Gardens in the New Galloway section, near the dense tree line. Also, if you are taking the Hwy60/Hwy65 interchange, you can see his block and bench on the fly-overs🙂

Christmas is supposed to be a magical time of year. For those who have lost loved ones though, its tough to find the spirit some days. I can honestly say the only reason why we have a tree up with presents underneath is because of Lucas. He is still so excited for Christmas, even with as much as he misses Logan. Cookies decorated, reindeer food made, and all tucked in waiting anxiously for this morning. However, its just not the same without our Logan boy. Then next year will be even more different with a little girl to start holiday traditions with!

This year though, we are thankful for the time we did have with Logan. No words can fully describe how much we miss our squishy. However, we are thankful for the memories we had the opportunity to make with him last year and will have to cherish in years to come.

We sincerely wish you and your family are having a very merry Christmas! Be sure to make the most of every moment🙂

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“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss