(If you are a crier like me, you might need tissues for this one)
Today, some friends and teachers at Strafford Schools started spreading the word throughout the community about Logan. They have some wonderful fundraising ideas and I have given them the green light to do as they see fit.
With that in mind, we decided to tell Lucas yesterday. We did not want him to overhear some teachers talking before we had a chance to sit him down. The school counselor gave us a great book called “Gentle Willow” about a tree who is sick and the tree wizards can’t heal her. It is beautifully written.
I read the book to him, then told him that like Gentle Willow, Logan is also very sick. His muscles are weak and will not get stronger. He will get to the point where he can’t move at all. Since his muscles are so weak, we have to wash our hands really good each time before we touch him so he doesn’t catch a cold. And why we are going to the doctors so much. We told him we are planning on going to STL with Logan to see special doctors.
We expected Lucas to ask us if Logan was dying or going to die. However, he did not. After I told him about washing his hands, he said “yes, so Logan doesn’t get sick because he might die”. I did not automatically say “yes you are right”. I simply said “We are trying to do everything we can for him. But there are some babies who have had this and have died from it”.
We told him about how we are doing a lot with Logan, like ornaments, movies, and tons of pictures. This way we will have many memories to look back on. He seemed to understand.
In the middle of talking to Lucas, Logan briefly woke from his nap with a sorrow-filled cry. I excused myself to check on him and when I came back Lucas was bear-hugging Brett. It was hard to not burst out sobbing, but we managed to hold it together ok. Lucas then came to give me a big bear hug. I told him if he had any questions, he could always ask us. And that Logan’s sickness is called SMA and he can’t catch it. It is only in Logan’s muscles and can’t get to us.
He hugged both of us several more times before he went on to build his trio block castle from his birthday. I went in and watched Logan sleep and cried. Every emotion possible swept over me for a few minutes before the emotions subsided and I was able to go watch Lucas and Brett build.
That evening, the boys took a bath and afterwards Lucas asked “What happens if Logan dies?” I told him tha’ts why we are making so many memories right now. So one day, we can share stories, read through his books, look through pictures, and watch movies we made. Think of all the happy, wonderful times we had with him. Amazingly, I didn’t cry right then, although I did shed tears later over that conversation.
Some might disagree with how we handled Lucas. Our main concern was for him to not constantly worry. He has one and a half weeks of school before he is out for break. We want him to still be able to focus on school. If Logan does become sick before we go to STL, we will have him hospitalized and at that time, we will tell Lucas that Logan won’t be with us much longer. However, we don’t believe the burden of knowing he might die soon should be carried by Lucas for longer than necessary.
For now, we focus on memories. Wonderful memories to last throughout our lifetime.