It was a pretty boring weekend, which is nice from time to time. We made a few more molds of Logan’s hands and feet.
Sunday, we did quite a bit it seems. Brett and Lucas went grocery shopping. It was hard staying home, but it is best for Logan is we do. We chilled out, watched some Sesame Street, and caught the end of White Christmas. After they got back, Lucas went to play with our two collies and we decided since it was nice outside to let Logan meet them as well. At first he didn’t know, then he thought it was fun, and then he decided he had had enough haha. He petted the dogs and they managed to sneak in a kiss on his head.
Logan also took out two bucket list items in one foul swoop! He tried Brett’s chocolate ice cream bar. He wasn’t sure what to think of it.
Sunday was also hard for me. however, I’m not sure why. Every time I looked at Logan, I would start to tear up. It wasn’t until after he went to bed did I actually realize that Sunday was the last day he wouldn’t not be on any machine. I’m not sure if subconsciously I knew that all day and that’s what caused the sadness.
.I mentioned in a past post I exclusively breast fed. With this, I have cut out all dairy, red meat, and seafood. I mainly live off of McDonalds McChicken (please do not tell me what is in it, I will starve to death without them :p). Since Thanksgiving, I have been pumping, but my supply is getting weaker and weaker. No, I haven’t been pumping every two hours, but when I was, it was starting to get to .5 ounces. It wasn’t worth taking 20 min to get .5 ounces when I could be playing with Logan. This past Saturday morning, Logan nursed of a morning and was satisfied enough to go back to sleep. As I laid and watched him, I knew deep down that was most likely the last time that would ever happen. He will still snack for a few minutes but then be hungry enough for a bottle too. I was able to satisfy him one more time. I can’t begin to tell you what that means to me.
The only way I can explain this next part is my mind and body have been “speaking” to me. I know that sounds very odd lol but I’m not sure how to explain it fully. This past week I feel my mind and body have been telling me it is time to let go and take care of myself. I cried to Brett as I tried to explain everything to him. I am trying not to be down on myself. I wanted to pump until was a year then stop. But the stress is only going to get worse and I need to be at my best to handle it. So for my News Years Resolution, I am going to stop nursing and pumping and go back to a normal diet. I am also going to start wearing “normal” shirts. I know deep down I need to let go of these two things because bigger issues are heading my way. I need to gradually let go so I can better manage everything going on.
My heart is very heavy about this issue. I know that this is ultimately for the best though.