Dear Logan…

Dear Logan baby,
Where do I even begin… We miss you so so much. Even though we know it was your time to go and how the 11 days of sleeping was your way of preparing us, their is an empty spot in our lives now that you are gone. I know you have done your best to let us know you are near. The morning you past, we heard you in the train. Rarely did we hear a train in the house, but the day you left us it sounded like they were going to run us over in our living room!

We picked out your “stone” (as Lucas calls it) on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it being placed in the next few months. Its taking a while because it is green granite, but I know you would have loved it. No one else has one just like it. It is special, just like you ❤

Today was your service and we laid your body to rest. It was so perfect baby boy. Our Chaplin did such a great job talking and a beautiful picture video was played. It even had a Michael Buble song you used to fall asleep to in it. At the end, we played your video of laughing at the breaking foam airplane. There were many tears, but also smiles and some laughter.

Yesterday it rained all day and we were worried it would rain out your balloon release today. However, the rain just made everything a more vibrant green. It was cloudy, but nice. We were all outside by your plot holding our balloons. Big brother Lucas yelled out “3, 2, 1 lift off!” and we all let go. As the balloons went up, the clouds parted to let the sun through. The balloons went straight up to you ❤ I know how much you loved your balloons baby.

Speaking of balloons, many many others sent balloons to you too! All over the US and from a few other countries from what I briefly read. I cry every time I see go to your Facebook page. You are so loved baby boy. Not only by us, but by so many others. I know you are looking over us as well as your July baby brothers and sisters.

Oh Logan…I feel lost without you, but know I must keep pushing forward with life. I promised you didn’t have to fight anymore. I would fight for you. And fight I will. I’m not sure where I will find the strength, but I will never break that promise to you. Tomorrow is a new day. A day to celebrate our love for you. A day for more to learn about SMA. A day to take a step forward into our new normal…as hard as it might be. I don’t want to clean or move your medicines. I hate that we are getting your equipment together to return. I haven’t driven my own car yet. I cringe at the thought of taking out your car seat or Daddy breaking down your crib.  I do look forward to hanging up pictures of your beautiful smile. We have cards we can hand out to tell others about you and SMA.

Oh baby boy, I just miss you so much. Its so hard to be without you. When I start doubting everything, I look at the last picture I took of you. You look so peaceful, almost happy. It gives me comfort ❤

I love you Logan boy. Always will…

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
A.A. Milne

Image

Balloons going to Logan

Our last picture of Logan, 10 min before he passed. I love him so much. This picture gives me peace with the last days <3

Our last picture of Logan, 10 min before he passed. I love him so much. This picture gives me peace with the last days ❤

42 thoughts on “Dear Logan…

  1. So much love was sent to Logan and to your family. Many tears and heartaches are shared. We all came to love this precious little angel. God Be with you and hug you in his loving grace.

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  2. So beautifully written. I cant stop the tears. I have followed your story for months and learned all about sma through your fb page. I just wanted you to know Logan has made an impact in my life. He has caused me to treat every day with my son like his last. I wont forget Logans amazing smile. Pure joy!

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  3. I’m so sorry for your loss 😥
    Please know in your heart, he is with all the other beautiful children in heaven… I pray for u and your family. Don’t be sad, he’s smilin down upon u, and wouldn’t want to see mommy sad.
    Be strong and the memories u had with him will forever be in your ❤

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  4. I’m overwhelmed with tears and emotions in reading this. You are one special Mommy, Tia. My little family and I celebrated Logan today by wearing green and releasing 10 balloons. One balloon for every month you got to enjoy that angel here on earth. I will continue to spread SMA awareness to honor Logan’s fight and know that his brave fight was not in vain. We feel such a sense of loss but know that God has a plan for all of us. You have been so strong in sharing Logans story and from one mother to another I want to thank you. Logan is your life long angel now. Spread your wings baby boy. You will never be forgotten.

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  5. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. I have a son who just turned 1 last week. I am so sorry for your loss. You now have a guardian angel looking over you. God bless you.

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  6. I cried so much during the service today. Maybe it seems silly because I never met Logan, but following your blog for months and hearing news of your family from my sister made me feel so close to him. He has touched my heart in ways I cannot yet explain. When we released the balloons today I noticed that they went straight towards the sun. I imagine Logan in the sun, laughing and running to catch all the balloons. I asked my former host mom to send you a postcard from Germany when you were doing the bucket list. She said her heart broke for you, as does mine. But I know you are a VERY special family to have been chosen for an angel like Logan. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. My love will always be with you.

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  7. Tia,
    I truly don’t believe you can ever be told enough how amazing of a mother you are, how strong you are, and what a life you gave to Logan. I am in awe of your courage and strength and I know that you will do great things for SMA and other families with similar situations.
    As a July BBC mom I have shed numerous tears for you and your sweet family over these past months and have continually prayed over Logan. I will always pray for you and your family. I will miss his sweet angel face, but Logan is walking with the Lord and in perfect health watching over you now.
    Amanda

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  8. My heart is broken along with yours. Your family and Logan have already make such an impact on so many people. I wore green today for Logan. I pray you will find the strength and peace to go on. You are so inspirational. Please accept this huge warm psyber hug from me and the little 7.5 month old that I am taking care of.

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  9. July 2012 BBC mama- Tia, many of us from the birth board released balloons for you today, including myself and my family. We wore our green and, despite a tornado warning for our area, we released 10 green balloons. I posted on my FB page about my boy wanting to send Logan some green ice cream in heaven. I don’t know how to post pictures, but I’m trying to figure it out. Your BBC family has been all crying with you today. I hope you have some idea of how much we care about you and Logan and how much you have meant to us and changed us. I know in your hour of darkness, we can’t REALLY help you; but I hope you felt some small measure of strength from all us July 2012 mommies who were silently standing behind you with our hands on your shoulder to try to help support you in this terrible time. Thank you so very, very much for all you have given us by sharing Logan and his story with us. You have truly changed my life. I would like to think I was a good mama before, but I know I am a better mama now. The picture of the sun breaking through the clouds as the balloons went up is amazing! It’s like they were opening to make the passage easier so Logan could play with them sooner! And thank you, also, for sharing that last picture with us. I have been staring at it for so long. So many similarities to the way my own baby looks when she’s sleeping….We love you, Tia, Logan and the Ruth family. We are here for you and we will help to spread the word about SMA. I hope you will continue to update us every now and then. Take care, precious mama.

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  10. Much love to you all. Logan has been on my mind every day since I saw your first BBC post, and his passing has not changed that. Thank you for sharing your sweet boy with us; it has been an honor to follow his story. Logan was so loved. And he will never be forgotten.

    My prayers remain with you and your amazing family.

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  11. July BBC here…I am trying to find something useful to say and all I can do is cry and pray. He is beautiful. The picture of the sky opening up…I am trying to imagine that is the smile he is sending from Heaven.

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  12. Words cannot convey how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I have followed you almost from the beginning & prayed like I’d never prayed before. You’ve touched my heart with your grace & bravery. I could almost feel your determination to give him the most amazing life ever & while you succeeded in that you also brought thousands of strangers together praying for you, Logan, your son & husband. You are an inspiration to women, mothers & wives everywhere. Your family is forever in my thoughts & prayers. Sweet baby Logan is pain free & happy in heaven & you my dear should be mother of the year! love to you all!

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    • Thank you, Mary! I appreciate your kindness. All the July 2012 mamas are holding on to each other to create a net of loving support around Tia and her family right now. I just wish there was more we could do for them. But maybe she feels our love through our words!

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  13. My heart is breaking for you all. May you and Brett find strength that you never knew you had. Keeping you all in my prayers.

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  14. Oh Mama my heart and prayers go out to you. I have followed Logan’s story from the beginning as I am a fellow mama on the July 2012 BBC board. I can’t imagine the pain and frustration you must feel. Logan is certainly looking down on you and proud to call you his mama.

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  15. I am a member of the July babycenter board. I have been following your journey since day one. I have shared your story with my family. Every day my 10 year old daughter would ask me if there was an update on baby Logan. Because of Logan I hold my July baby Chloe a little tighter. I loved seeing Logan’s pictures his smile would fill my heart with joy.

    I admire your strength and your determination to make Logan’s life full of firsts for him. My family and I watched you and your family be amazingly strong and it inspired us to be a stronger family and I thank you for that. Your family will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers and I will make sure my Chloe knows all about baby Logan.

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  16. I had never even heard of SMA until I found your page through a friend. You are keeping your promise to Logan every moment this page is out there. You have been an inspiration to Mommy’s every where. I am amazed by your strength. Thank you for sharing Logan and your story with us. He will NEVER be forgotten.

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  17. The world has followed your journey and know that your sweet baby Logan was loved and prayed for by thousands. Thank you so much for sharing him with us and he will always have a special place in everyones heart and never forgotten. Logan is a beautiful baby angel that was sent down to us all for a short time and then flew back to heaven and in that time he has forever changed so many families hearts. We love you so much baby boy! God bless you always!

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  18. Tia, many hugs to you, Brett and Lucas. Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture of Logan, he does look peaceful. I couldn’t hold back the tears. Yesterday my baby girl and I wore our green Logan shirts in his honor and we each released a balloon for him as well. It was a beautiful, sunny and windy day here in The Woodlands, Tx, the balloons went up pretty quick with the wind, for Logan to play :).

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  19. Tia,
    I’ve followed your journey from the start. Our LOs were born one day apart. Thank you for sharing it all with us and raising awareness of SMA.
    You are one of the most amazing and bravest families I know. Please know that during this difficult time, your BBC family is here supporting you-across the country-every step of the way. We are sending you love and light. We are crying with you and laughing with you and celebrating sweet baby Logan who taught us all so very much. He will always be remembered in our hearts.
    Love,
    Sharon and Noah

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  20. Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Logan’s journey has forever changed me as a person and especially as a mother. You are such a great mommy and I admire the strength and courage you have showed us all. Thank u so much for sharing this journey with us and know that u have touched many many lives. I will never forget Logan and I am praying for continued strength for you and your family.

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  21. My baby boy was born July 25, 2012 and his name is also Loghan (just spelled differently) . I hold a special place for Logan in my heart. I would show my son’s father your son’s photos and tell him he’s so cute or how happy he always was…..so smiley! He’s happy and running around now with all those balloons! I’m sorry for your loss. Just remember now he can do things he wasn’t able to do and now it’s his turn to watch over you!

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  22. There is no greater or more unexpected gift I could have been given as a first time mother than to have shared in the story of your journey with Logan. Parenting can be so difficult, and silly little things quickly add to frustration. Your story and your struggles gave me a context within which to measure my own struggles and serves as a constant reminder to parent from a place of love and patience and gratitude. Logan will remain a part of our lives as our son Charlie (who shares his birthday) grows and changes. I constantly seek the grace and calm that you somehow always manage to find. Tia, the way you and Brett and Lucas and Logan have smiled and supported each other through such extreme heartache is a testament to what family should be. So proud of the strength you’ve found, and proud to be a fellow July 2012 mama. We will continue to lift you up as you find your new normal, and we will continue to celebrate Logan and spread SMA awareness. Lots of green squishy love being sent your way!!

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  23. You don’t know me, I have followed your many post about Baby Logan and admire your strength and ability to share “Logan’s journey” you are a brave person and many will draw from your experience and strength
    Keep the faith God Bless you.

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  24. The poem you chose, I chose it 10 months ago, for a slightly different reason. I’m glad Logan came into your lives, you all were strong to receive him and hold his hand and then share that bond with us. Thank you to you and thank you to Logan for touching our lives and changing them for the greater good. For everyone you’ve touched has talked about SMA and one day you will be the reason for the cure. Lots of love to Logan and family,
    Christa S

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  25. Tia, this was a beautiful post. My July BBC LO and I couldn’t release balloons on Friday because we were in a state park, camping, but we sat on the beach a little after dawn, and we said a prayer for Logan and sang a song for him, and we wore green. I will do my best to spread the word about Logan, we’ll keep wearing green on the 6th, if that’s OK with you. You have made me see how important and precious every day is. We are so sorry that the world has lost Logan, but it was made better because he was here, and Heaven is brighter and happier because he is there.

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  26. What a lovely letter. Like many others, I have followed Logan’s journey through BBC, and my heart, prayers, and thoughts are with you and your family. Logan will be remembered always.

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  27. Oh Tia, my heart absolutely aches for you and your family. I check in on Logans Bucket List often and I want to commend you for your strength. My daughter will be one next month and we are having green balloons for Baby Logan. You are thought of often and your sweet boy is too!

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