Life in the midst of the storm

After every storm, there is a rainbow. Something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds, providing a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Ours just has some (very unexpected) pink mixed in ❤

Ruth-Collage

So the news is out…and we are still adjusting to the news after many weeks. We had the CVS (chorionic villus sampling) done as early as we were allowed. It took almost a month to find out the results. Ready?!

Miss Baby Ruth is a carrier, but unaffected by SMA. ❤

She is also extremely unexpected. How unexpected? She managed to make her way through two methods of birth control…yeah… We did not plan for more children. We didn’t really want more children. After dealing with SMA, the risk was too big, too scary. The pain from Logan not being in our arms, too great.

After the initial news, I can honestly say I have never experienced so much anger in my life. I don’t think I can convey how much crying happened, how much questioning of why did this happen. “Does Logan think I’m replacing him? Will others think I am replacing him? I don’t want another baby, I just want my Logan back.”

We had the CVS done and it was the first time I actually saw the baby move. I took turns staring at the monitor, at this baby I had not idea how to accept and my phone’s background photo of Lucas and Logan smiling. In those moments, I came to terms that this was happening. Just like Logan’s SMA diagnosis, I couldn’t change this. The only thing I could do was change how I looked and dealt with the situation.

While I am not angry anymore, its still a mental struggle to accept that this is our new journey in life. Knowing we are having a healthy baby doesn’t erase the pain of my Logan baby not being in my arms. It does, however, give me hope that this rainbow baby will restore hope and positive energy; not only for myself, but also for Brett and Lucas.

The excitement is growing in our house. The influx of pink and purple have been welcomed with open arms, especially by Lucas. It is a fresh start. Not a do over, but definitely a sort of starting over. We have nothing for a girl and not even sure how we are going to handle a girl after two boys! It gives us even more fire to find a treatment/cure for SMA so when she grows up (just like Lucas), she will not have to worry about being a carrier.

Three things we do know: She is loved beyond all else, has two very protective big brothers and a beautiful guardian angel watching over her. Just like he is with all of us. 🙂

21 thoughts on “Life in the midst of the storm

  1. Congratulations! In my opinion, Logan sent her along to be with you in this world. Also wanted to add, I have a rainbow baby (after a miscarriage), and I felt a lot of what you are feeling.

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  2. Oh my gosh, CONGRATULATIONS!!! She is truely a gift from your little Logan! Funny what life has in store for us… no matter if it’s OUR plans or not. :o)

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  3. Congratulations! Both of my children are rainbow babies, so I also understand how you feel. This baby girl will grow up knowing she has 2 brothers to watch over her.

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  4. Oh my! (Very happy and joyous) now I’m crying very happy n sad tears for u n your family. God works in mysterious ways n so do sweet smiling little boy guardian angels. May you have an enjoyable pregnancy, and little girls are a blast.

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  5. Congrats! I can’t imagine all the emotions running through you. This is truly a blessing just like Logan. Congrats to your family and your new journey. Have a happy and healthy pregnancy.

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  6. Congratulations! I am so glad she is SMA free! I can’t imagine how I would feel if I was to get pregnant again (with 2 SMA kids i think I would be devastated!). I am glad that will have a healthy little girl to add to your beautiful family. Thanks for all you do to fight SMA!

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  7. Congrats! Logan knew you guys had more love in your hearts and gave you this gift with a little piece of him. Enjoy! Anyone who knows your story knows you can’t replace Logan or love or miss him less. That’s the best part of family – there is always more love. Wishing you all the best and lots of love!

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  8. OH MY GOSH!!! I’m so, so, so excited for you! I have thought many times about how another baby could be joy back into your lives, especially for Lucas. The fact that it’s a girl makes it even more precious. I mentioned when you did your A.M.A. on BBC that I was once told by a psychiatrist that the best thing to bring joy and happiness back to a family after the loss of a child is a new baby. No one will EVER mistake this new baby for an attempt to forget or replace Logan- EVER- but I do so, so hope that you are able to find a little bit of happiness again with this new little life. And so EXTRA happy that she won’t have SMA! The wonders just don’t stop! I will admit I have had a baby that managed to get through my methods of birth control- more than once!- and I have experienced some of the anger and resentment you mentioned. But, Tia, I have also experienced the excitement that can start to blossom once you begin to accept your new reality. She WILL help you, whether you are ready for her to or not. This will be a good thing. I’m so happy for you, sweetheart, even if you aren’t quite sure yet how YOU feel. I just know she’s going to be a light in the midst of your darkness. Let your heart open to the wonderful gift Logan has sent you. So when is she due? Much, much love to you always, Tia. Oh, I have to add a personal note- I have recently had not 1, not 2, but 3 of my children battling nighttime wakings and insomnia. Every single night for 75 nights in a row I have been up the ENTIRE night with at least one and sometimes all 3 children. During all of this I have had mastitis, migraines, sore throats, fevers, disgusting stomach bugs, and other illnesses, but through it all the only sleep I have gotten were the short naps I could catch when my July 2012 baby went down for a rest. People kept saying, “I don’t know how you are doing it.” “I don’t know how you are functioning.” I kept answering in my own head, “I’m thinking of Tia and what she would give to stay up all night with her child. I’m thinking of what all Tia had to sacrifice and suffer through these past several months.” You have, once again, inspired me to be a better mother and to look at the BLESSINGS I have, rather than the challenges. Thank you for sharing your strength. July 2012 BBC mama

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  9. Congratulations on your little girl! Logan will always be a special boy and everyone knows you’re not trying to replace what cannot ever be replaced. Good luck on your journey with your daughter. She is lucky to have a wonderful family here and looking after her from heaven.

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  10. How amazing!! Just yesterday I was thinking of you and praying, wondering how you and your family were doing. What a precious gift–blessings on you all!!

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  11. I am so happy for you Tia! Lucas and now Logan will be the greatest big brothers!!!! Congrats on this beautiful and wonderful news! Can’t wait to keep hearing from you…you and your family are loved very much! Many hugs and well wishes!

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  12. I don’t think ANYONE will feel you are “replacing” or “forgetting about” Logan. This little one is being sent to help you heal and move on, continuing the fight for the cure! I’m so excited for you Tia! Now I wish I had had a purple giraffe to go with the blue one! 🙂

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  13. I am so happy for you and at the same time crying because I can only imagine the confusion this causes! I am so happy your bundle of joy is a carrier but not affected. 🙂 Good luck and no one thinks you are replacing your beautiful boy!

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  14. I can’t tell you how happy I am for you and Brett and Lucas. I have been praying for your family and will continue to do so. Nothing can replace Logan but in addition to Lucas and Logan, you have your beautiful Rainbow – a promise from God, a gift from God. We don’t always understand why things happen they way they do, we just have to trust in The Great I Am!!!

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