It is hard to believe its been 6 months since you have left us Logan boy. We can only imagine the fun you are having out there, somewhere beyond the moon: running, jumping, skipping, climbing. And the most fun of all, flying.
The hole in our hearts are greater than ever as we miss you more as each day passes. We are reminded of you as the train goes by or we see pictures of giraffes. Dinosaurs seem to be the “it” theme for baby boys. So while we shop for your baby sister, we see your dinosaurs and can’t help but smile. Some days, its hard to keep going forward without you because we miss you so much. But we made you a promise, to keep pushing and fighting for you. And we will Logan…we will ❤
We love and miss you so much sweetie. Fly free baby boy
What I Wouldn’t Give
“What I wouldn’t give for one more look,
another sparkle in your eye for our memory book
What I wouldn’t give for one more smile,
to brighten the day and save in your file
What I wouldn’t give for one more laugh,
and feel the joy from our day with the giraffe
What I wouldn’t give for one more smell,
your hair with lavender wash as a relaxing spell
What I wouldn’t give for one more hug,
wrapping my arms around you, keeping you snug
What I wouldn’t give for one more chance,
listening to our favorite artist, having one more dance
Oh my baby, what I wouldn’t give to hold you once more,
but one day I will find you, through that distant door”
Daddy’s got me 🙂
We think diaper change time is funny 😀
Logan’s Mickey Mouse Santa brought him 🙂
Logan waving “Hi Everyone!”
A July BBC family sent Logan this birthday shirt!
❤ Logan’s Last Smile ❤
We would love to hear how Logan has impacted your life ❤ Please share you story in the comments!
After every storm, there is a rainbow. Something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds, providing a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Ours just has some (very unexpected) pink mixed in ❤
So the news is out…and we are still adjusting to the news after many weeks. We had the CVS (chorionic villus sampling) done as early as we were allowed. It took almost a month to find out the results. Ready?!
Miss Baby Ruth is a carrier, but unaffected by SMA. ❤
She is also extremely unexpected. How unexpected? She managed to make her way through two methods of birth control…yeah… We did not plan for more children. We didn’t really want more children. After dealing with SMA, the risk was too big, too scary. The pain from Logan not being in our arms, too great.
After the initial news, I can honestly say I have never experienced so much anger in my life. I don’t think I can convey how much crying happened, how much questioning of why did this happen. “Does Logan think I’m replacing him? Will others think I am replacing him? I don’t want another baby, I just want my Logan back.”
We had the CVS done and it was the first time I actually saw the baby move. I took turns staring at the monitor, at this baby I had not idea how to accept and my phone’s background photo of Lucas and Logan smiling. In those moments, I came to terms that this was happening. Just like Logan’s SMA diagnosis, I couldn’t change this. The only thing I could do was change how I looked and dealt with the situation.
While I am not angry anymore, its still a mental struggle to accept that this is our new journey in life. Knowing we are having a healthy baby doesn’t erase the pain of my Logan baby not being in my arms. It does, however, give me hope that this rainbow baby will restore hope and positive energy; not only for myself, but also for Brett and Lucas.
The excitement is growing in our house. The influx of pink and purple have been welcomed with open arms, especially by Lucas. It is a fresh start. Not a do over, but definitely a sort of starting over. We have nothing for a girl and not even sure how we are going to handle a girl after two boys! It gives us even more fire to find a treatment/cure for SMA so when she grows up (just like Lucas), she will not have to worry about being a carrier.
Three things we do know: She is loved beyond all else, has two very protective big brothers and a beautiful guardian angel watching over her. Just like he is with all of us. 🙂
Its been a little less than 3 months since Logan left us. And although it seems like forever, it didn’t truly hit until July came around.
The 4th was a bust. We were able to do some fireworks and watch a firework show with Lucas. It was his first “big” show. In the middle of it, I joked to Brett that Logan would have hated it. There were too many loud booms. If there was anything Logan hated, it was big booms…and carrots.
I’m sure the view from up above was beautiful though. And the whole sound barrier thing helped silence the big booms 🙂
Logan’s 1st birthday was hard. We tried to make it a good day, but it seemed like everything we did went wrong in some way. The balloons took forever to get filled, resulting in our pizza getting cold. Our cupcakes were spectacular as always ❤
My best friend visited Logan before we got there and left an awesome truck balloon. A July 2012 BBC mom made a small banner to fit on his special spot that said “Happy 1 Year Logan”. It was very surreal.
A big phrase while Logan was with us was “new normal”. We had to adjust to a new normal after diagnosis and then once again after he was gone. The new normal has not fallen upon us like I thought it would. Maybe that was me being naive or too hopeful. But we still feel very lost at times. There isn’t a schedule back in place (which has to change soon because school is coming up quick!). It was still hard to do normal things, although planning for our first big event helped take my mind off of that 🙂
Planning from the last 6-7 weeks finally came to an end on Saturday the 27th though. Our 1st Annual Logan Ruth 5k for SMA took place! It was a great success with over 170 people coming and raising over $2,000!!! It rained constantly Friday and many were afraid it wouldn’t be dry like the weatherman had in his forecast. But it was! It was so beautiful!!! The trees were a vibrant green and it was almost chilly first thing in the morning.
I am fairly sure I was being pulled in 5 different directions at once constantly and many times I was overcome by tears. Especially at the sight of all the runners, walkers, and strollers. We had people from 3 different states come out! Many supporters we had talked to on Facebook, we had the privilege of meeting in person! It was an amazing experience that I cannot wait to start working on for next year.
Our friend Michelle (who started On Angel’s Wings) came to take pictures for us. I will post them as soon as they are sent to me!
Over all the month of July was filled with many ups and downs. It brought our darkest moments and also most proud moments since after Logan left to run free. August is starting tomorrow. I’m not quite sure where this year has gone. Amazing how fast time flies whether you are having fun or not! August is SMA Awareness month and we have many plans to spread the awareness!! We will be at Farmers Market of the Ozarks the 10th & 24th. We are joining forces with Stacey’s Sweets in Ozark, Chick Fil-A and Usborne books!
While I’m not ready for more time to distant my last moment with my baby boy, I am ready to say goodbye to the hardest month yet. The grieving never stops, but I do look forward to the day where it isn’t so hard; where my joy outweighs my sorrow. I still go through our sympathy cards and we receive pictures and messages each week. The love for Logan is still so strong. It warms my heart everyday and helps me keep pushing forward.
The motto for August (and possibly the rest of my life): “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss
Smile…that’s what Logan would do 🙂
Today you would have turned 1 year old. Or maybe 12 months since we did month birthdays 🙂 We went to the zoo, rode the train and fed giraffes. Big Brother Lucas was licked by the giraffe :). We purchased your biggest present ever. Today we paid for your monument. Its going to take a bit to get here because green granite comes from India, but it is going to be perfect. Special just for you. Later in the evening, we came to visit you like usual. There was pizza for dinner and special cupcakes for dessert.
Yours had a train instead of a dinosaur. We know how much you loved riding the train and figured if you were still here with us, we would have had a big train party.
We bought 12 balloons to send to you, but a few didn’t make it I hope you loved the ones you did get 🙂 As the day ended and we were back at home, your favorite Little Einstein episode, Melody the Music Pet, was turned on. We watched, sang, and patted our laps to blast off with tears in our eyes.
Today, we celebrated you baby boy. We tried not to think of the “what ifs” or “might have beens”. Instead, we looked at pictures of your smile and some silly faces you made. There were videos we hadn’t watched before, showing your chatty side. (http://youtu.be/fLlDcrvByXw). We reminisced of when we brought you home and all the fun times we had.
Words can’t begin to describe how much we miss you Logan. How hard it was to celebrate your day, but you not physically being here with us. Everyday is difficult without you, but today…today was the hardest so far. And although we miss you so so much, we are so happy you are no longer in pain. That you are free from the body that trapped you, so you can run and play to your hearts content.
I hope you had a good birthday sweet squishy. We love you so much ❤
New born Logan
A huge thank you to the July 12 moms for Lucas’ wonderful big brother present
Never goodbye…just see you later ❤
This week is full of so much meaning. Unlike some expecting parents who go into labor and rush to the hospital, we knew when Logan was coming. And it all started the Tuesday before the 4th of July. It was our 37/38 week appointment and we were scheduled for our last ultrasound. Doc came in and told me I had borderline low fluid, but it wasn’t low enough to take me in right then. We were told to enjoy our holiday and they would see us at 7am on Friday! Enjoy our holiday…I could barely breathe! Friday we were having a baby! We had two days to prepare (even though everything was mostly done)!
The 4th was good, despite the drought and nervousness of setting off fireworks. The 5th was a great day with Lucas. We went to our local Discovery Center, bought him a big dinosaur lego set to build while we were gone, and I made one last trip to L&D because Logan had stopped moving again. Little did we know that was the SMA in play and he was conserving energy for the big day.
So here we are once again, on the Tuesday before the 4th (Tuesday sticks out because its the only day our office does ultrasounds). Last year I was so scared. Logan wasn’t exactly planned and I had no idea how I was going to handle a 5 year old going into Kindergarten and a new baby that I would have to chase around. Little did I know there wouldn’t be any chasing, or birthday party planning. I had no idea that we would experience a love greater than we had ever known, that would redefine us completely.
Words cannot express how much we miss Logan. I am now scared of living 50 years without my baby. Although my passion in finding a cure tends to outdo my fear. I think I say this every post, but sometimes I need a reminder :). We promised him we would fight for him. And fight we will, so no other child or family ever has to feel the devastation caused by SMA.
As you celebrate the 4th, with the beautiful wonders of red, white and blue…be sure to add a splash of green in the days afterward! Happy Independence Day!
❤ Smile on friends…Smile on ❤
A fellow July 2012 mom, Amanda, is doing a fundraiser for the foundation!!!
“I am doing a fundraiser to help the Ruth family raise money for the Logan Ruth Foundation. On my Scentsy website, perfectlyperfected.scentsy.us, I have an open party where you can purchase items and 25% of my commission will be donated to the foundation. The party runs from today 6/28/13-7/13/13.
Scentsy are wickless warmers that use low watt bulbs to melt fragrant waxes. It’s a great way to have a wonderful aroma without the worries of burning a candle. Check out my site perfectlyperfected.scentsy.us to help raise money for our July BBC angel.
The link is:
It is on my parties list under Logan Ruth Fundraiser.
Please pass it on, thanks.”
I’ve said this before, but it truly is interesting how time has changed for us. It feels like a lifetime since we last saw Logan’s beautiful face and yet only yesterday at the same time.
This past week has been especially hard. There wasn’t any particular reason, no milestone per say. Yet, it was the slowest week of our lives. Saturday I took Lucas blueberry picking at a local farm. It has become a summer tradition for us. While we were away, Brett took down the crib.
- First night in the crib!!!
We were so excited when we finally had room for the crib! Logan had his own “permanent” bed. We have been talking about taking it down the past week or two, so I knew it was coming. It still was unnatural to see an empty space where it once was. We rearranged the bedroom so the empty spot isn’t so noticeable. My glider next to the window will not move though. Many times Logan and I sat looking at the trees and birds eating their seed.
For any who have grieved, they know it is a roller-coaster. Unfortunately, its not a fun one. Some days are better than others. There are days filled with smiles, laughter and truly feeling happy. Then there are days filled with smiles, laughter and feeling guilty for having a good day. And of course you can’t forget to mention the zombie days where you barely function and wonder why the sun is even shining on such a crappy day.
But regardless of feelings, time marches on. It does so with or without you . We found that to be true while Logan was with us. We tried to do lots things with him and create many memories to keep us company for a lifetime. The race to make the most of our time was on. Over the past 6 weeks, I’ve come to realize that the race is still on. Its just taken a slightly different form. Lucas is with us. Brett and I have each other. We still have to make our days count because life is fleeting, even for us.
Grieving is a process. A life long process. It involves every spectrum of emotion on any given day. As much as I would like to rewind and stop time. Or possibly speed it up a bit
nowadays, it doesn’t work like that. So once again we are faced with a choice: to be sad and wallow in sorrow day in and day out. Or try our best to get up, face the day and decide to make a difference in this world. (Some days, I do choose option 1…)
What would Logan choose? I think Logan would choose happiness. In fact, I know he would.
❤ Logan’s Last Smile ❤