Happy 2nd Birthday Logan!

Dear Logan,

Its hard to believe its been 2 years since you have been born! Where has the time gone? Its been a little over a year since you left us to fly somewhere beyond the moon, but we still think of you everyday. We love you so much and proud of the life you lived while here with us.

We try not to think of the could have been’s or how it would be today. Would you be talking our ear off? Would you be jealous that our laps are half taken by Claudia? I’m sure if it wasn’t for SMA, you would be running around like a maniac and want to be outside all the time. 

Even though you are no longer physically with us, we know your spirit lingers on. Your memory and legacy will never die. So today we celebrate you: your bright smile, sad pout, bubbly personality and fighting spirit. 

We hope you are having fun, flying around and watching from above. We miss you every moment of everyday.

Happy Birthday Little Little Man
❤ Love you Squishy ❤

 

What a week

This week is full of so much meaning. Unlike some expecting parents who go into labor and rush to the hospital, we knew when Logan was coming. And it all started the Tuesday before the 4th of July. It was our 37/38 week appointment and we were scheduled for our last ultrasound. Doc came in and told me I had borderline low fluid, but it wasn’t low enough to take me in right then. We were told to enjoy our holiday and they would see us at 7am on Friday! Enjoy our holiday…I could barely breathe! Friday we were having a baby! We had two days to prepare (even though everything was mostly done)!

The 4th was good, despite the drought and nervousness of setting off fireworks. The 5th was a great day with Lucas. We went to our local Discovery Center, bought him a big dinosaur lego set to build while we were gone, and I made one last trip to L&D because Logan had stopped moving again. Little did we know that was the SMA in play and he was conserving energy for the big day.

So here we are once again, on the Tuesday before the 4th (Tuesday sticks out because its the only day our office does ultrasounds). Last year I was so scared. Logan wasn’t exactly planned and I had no idea how I was going to handle a 5 year old going into Kindergarten and a new baby that I would have to chase around. Little did I know there wouldn’t be any chasing, or birthday party planning. I had no idea that we would experience a love greater than we had ever known, that would redefine us completely.

Words cannot express how much we miss Logan. I am now scared of living 50 years without my baby. Although my passion in finding a cure tends to outdo my fear. I think I say this every post, but sometimes I need a reminder :). We promised him we would fight for him. And fight we will, so no other child or family ever has to feel the devastation caused by SMA.

As you celebrate the 4th, with the beautiful wonders of red, white and blue…be sure to add a splash of green in the days afterward! Happy Independence Day!

❤ Smile on friends…Smile on ❤
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Time Marches On…

I’ve said this before, but it truly is interesting how time has changed for us. It feels like a lifetime since we last saw Logan’s beautiful face and yet only yesterday at the same time.

This past week has been especially hard. There wasn’t any particular reason, no milestone per say. Yet, it was the slowest week of our lives. Saturday I took Lucas blueberry picking at a local farm. It has become a summer tradition for us. While we were away, Brett took down the crib.

Sound asleep <3

First night in the crib!!!
First night in the crib!!!

We were so excited when we finally had room for the crib! Logan had his own “permanent” bed. We have been talking about taking it down the past week or two, so I knew it was coming. It still was unnatural to see an empty space where it once was. We rearranged the bedroom so the empty spot isn’t so noticeable. My glider next to the window will not move though. Many times Logan and I sat looking at the trees and birds eating their seed.

For any who have grieved, they know it is a roller-coaster. Unfortunately, its not a fun one. Some days are better than others. There are days filled with smiles, laughter and truly feeling happy. Then there are days filled with smiles, laughter and feeling guilty for having a good day. And of course you can’t forget to mention the zombie days where you barely function and wonder why the sun is even shining on such a crappy day.

But regardless of feelings, time marches on. It does so with or without you . We found that to be true while Logan was with us. We tried to do lots things with him and create many memories to keep us company for a lifetime. The race to make the most of our time was on. Over the past 6 weeks, I’ve come to realize that the race is still on. Its just taken a slightly different form. Lucas is with us. Brett and I have each other. We still have to make our days count because life is fleeting, even for us.

Grieving is a process. A life long process. It involves every spectrum of emotion on any given day. As much as I would like to rewind and stop time. Or possibly speed it up a bit
nowadays, it doesn’t work like that. So once again we are faced with a choice: to be sad and wallow in sorrow day in and day out. Or try our best to get up, face the day and decide to make a difference in this world. (Some days, I do choose option 1…)

What would Logan choose? I think Logan would choose happiness. In fact, I know he would.

<3 Logan's Last Smile <3

❤ Logan’s Last Smile ❤

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