Life in the midst of the storm

After every storm, there is a rainbow. Something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds, providing a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Ours just has some (very unexpected) pink mixed in ❀

Ruth-Collage

So the news is out…and we are still adjusting to the news after many weeks. We had the CVS (chorionic villus sampling) done as early as we were allowed. It took almost a month to find out the results. Ready?!

Miss Baby Ruth is a carrier, but unaffected by SMA. ❀

She is also extremely unexpected. How unexpected? She managed to make her way through two methods of birth control…yeah… We did not plan for more children. We didn’t really want more children. After dealing with SMA, the risk was too big, too scary. The pain from Logan not being in our arms, too great.

After the initial news, I can honestly say I have never experienced so much anger in my life. I don’t think I can convey how much crying happened, how much questioning of why did this happen. “Does Logan think I’m replacing him? Will others think I am replacing him? I don’t want another baby, I just want my Logan back.”

We had the CVS done and it was the first time I actually saw the baby move. I took turns staring at the monitor, at this baby I had not idea how to accept and my phone’s background photo of Lucas and Logan smiling. In those moments, I came to terms that this was happening. Just like Logan’s SMA diagnosis, I couldn’t change this. The only thing I could do was change how I looked and dealt with the situation.

While I am not angry anymore, its still a mental struggle to accept that this is our new journey in life. Knowing we are having a healthy baby doesn’t erase the pain of my Logan baby not being in my arms. It does, however, give me hope that this rainbow baby will restore hope and positive energy; not only for myself, but also for Brett and Lucas.

The excitement is growing in our house. The influx of pink and purple have been welcomed with open arms, especially by Lucas. It is a fresh start. Not a do over, but definitely a sort of starting over. We have nothing for a girl and not even sure how we are going to handle a girl after two boys! It gives us even more fire to find a treatment/cure for SMA so when she grows up (just like Lucas), she will not have to worry about being a carrier.

Three things we do know: She is loved beyond all else, has two very protective big brothers and a beautiful guardian angel watching over her. Just like he is with all of us. πŸ™‚

Time Marches On…

I’ve said this before, but it truly is interesting how time has changed for us. It feels like a lifetime since we last saw Logan’s beautiful face and yet only yesterday at the same time.

This past week has been especially hard. There wasn’t any particular reason, no milestone per say. Yet, it was the slowest week of our lives. Saturday I took Lucas blueberry picking at a local farm. It has become a summer tradition for us. While we were away, Brett took down the crib.

Sound asleep <3

First night in the crib!!!
First night in the crib!!!

We were so excited when we finally had room for the crib! Logan had his own “permanent” bed. We have been talking about taking it down the past week or two, so I knew it was coming. It still was unnatural to see an empty space where it once was. We rearranged the bedroom so the empty spot isn’t so noticeable. My glider next to the window will not move though. Many times Logan and I sat looking at the trees and birds eating their seed.

For any who have grieved, they know it is a roller-coaster. Unfortunately, its not a fun one. Some days are better than others. There are days filled with smiles, laughter and truly feeling happy. Then there are days filled with smiles, laughter and feeling guilty for having a good day. And of course you can’t forget to mention the zombie days where you barely function and wonder why the sun is even shining on such a crappy day.

But regardless of feelings, time marches on. It does so with or without you . We found that to be true while Logan was with us. We tried to do lots things with him and create many memories to keep us company for a lifetime. The race to make the most of our time was on. Over the past 6 weeks, I’ve come to realize that the race is still on. Its just taken a slightly different form. Lucas is with us. Brett and I have each other. We still have to make our days count because life is fleeting, even for us.

Grieving is a process. A life long process. It involves every spectrum of emotion on any given day. As much as I would like to rewind and stop time. Or possibly speed it up a bit
nowadays, it doesn’t work like that. So once again we are faced with a choice: to be sad and wallow in sorrow day in and day out. Or try our best to get up, face the day and decide to make a difference in this world. (Some days, I do choose option 1…)

What would Logan choose? I think Logan would choose happiness. In fact, I know he would.

<3 Logan's Last Smile <3

❀ Logan’s Last Smile ❀

2013-04-19 16.13.40 2013-04-28 15.03.46 2013-04-10 08.00.12