After every storm, there is a rainbow. Something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds, providing a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Ours just has some (very unexpected) pink mixed in ❤
So the news is out…and we are still adjusting to the news after many weeks. We had the CVS (chorionic villus sampling) done as early as we were allowed. It took almost a month to find out the results. Ready?!
Miss Baby Ruth is a carrier, but unaffected by SMA. ❤
She is also extremely unexpected. How unexpected? She managed to make her way through two methods of birth control…yeah… We did not plan for more children. We didn’t really want more children. After dealing with SMA, the risk was too big, too scary. The pain from Logan not being in our arms, too great.
After the initial news, I can honestly say I have never experienced so much anger in my life. I don’t think I can convey how much crying happened, how much questioning of why did this happen. “Does Logan think I’m replacing him? Will others think I am replacing him? I don’t want another baby, I just want my Logan back.”
We had the CVS done and it was the first time I actually saw the baby move. I took turns staring at the monitor, at this baby I had not idea how to accept and my phone’s background photo of Lucas and Logan smiling. In those moments, I came to terms that this was happening. Just like Logan’s SMA diagnosis, I couldn’t change this. The only thing I could do was change how I looked and dealt with the situation.
While I am not angry anymore, its still a mental struggle to accept that this is our new journey in life. Knowing we are having a healthy baby doesn’t erase the pain of my Logan baby not being in my arms. It does, however, give me hope that this rainbow baby will restore hope and positive energy; not only for myself, but also for Brett and Lucas.
The excitement is growing in our house. The influx of pink and purple have been welcomed with open arms, especially by Lucas. It is a fresh start. Not a do over, but definitely a sort of starting over. We have nothing for a girl and not even sure how we are going to handle a girl after two boys! It gives us even more fire to find a treatment/cure for SMA so when she grows up (just like Lucas), she will not have to worry about being a carrier.
Three things we do know: She is loved beyond all else, has two very protective big brothers and a beautiful guardian angel watching over her. Just like he is with all of us. 🙂