Radio Silence

Radio silence was never supposed to happen, but as we know all too well…life changes.

Last year, I posted on Logan’s angelversary, but I didn’t post on his 4th birthday. I sat at the computer for what seemed like an eternity, and never found any words I could convey through text.

This year, I didn’t post on his angelversary. Again, I was at a loss for words. I knew I could have updated, or just said hello, but nothing seemed quite right for the moment.

In December 2016, just days before Christmas, we received the news there was an FDA approved treatment for SMA. We laughed. We cried. We sat in disbelief. An SMA mom we knew through Logan’s journey, and lost her little girl just a week after we lost Logan, had a baby boy last year. He was diagnosed with SMA while she was still pregnant and was able to receive the treatment when it was still being tested. Today, he is not only able to sit up by himself, but also stand! It is truly incredible to see how this medicine is changing the lives of so many.

The week of Logan’s angelversary this year, our beloved babysitter graduated high school. I honestly cannot comprehend how time has gone by so fast. I questioned many times if my emotions were due to missing Logan, or realizing in a blink of an eye, that beautiful girl walking down to receive her degree will be Claudia…

And speaking of Claudia 🙂 She is an independent fireball child. I’m fairly certain her and Logan are complete opposites. He loved to sit, read and watch his shows on TV. Claudia has squirmed since day one and feels like she will die if not moving/running. She outruns most kids on the playground these days. We joke that you either get on the Claudia train, or you get run over by it haha. She will be an excellent adult one day…if I can just survive until then.

She helps keep Lucas in check too. He loves his sister dearly, but is quickly learning the toddler years can be frustrating. He is taking it in stride though. Reading is his main hobby. He absorbs all information thrown at him. He was an A+ student at school last year too! He misses Logan dearly, but he has done so well to rise above the challenges of grief. And just like in 2013, he still has no fear when speaking about his brother.

Brett graduated with his Master’s Degree this past May ❤ It has been a long road, but we are so proud of how much he has accomplished! He has been working towards his college degrees since Lucas was 2.5 years old. He has only taken off 2 summer semesters during that entire time.

As for me, I stay at home with my munchkins 🙂 I’ve been involved in Lucas’ PTA at school. Claudia is developing into her own person more and more each day. If I could bottle just a tenth of her energy, we would no longer depend on coal or the sun! We could power everything!!!! 😀 Oh! And I almost forgot about our newest family members… *see below 😀

My plans for the foundation did not go how I imagined them. While I was pregnant with Claudia until she was about 16 months old, I suffered from severe depression and increasing anxiety. It was an extremely difficult time and I did not want to lean on anyone. Thanks to Brett, my friends and my doctor, we found the right balance I needed to live life again. It hasn’t been an easy path, but I’m better for it ❤ I can enjoy moments without guilt. I miss my Logan and always wish he was by my side, but the guilt of being happy without him physically with me has shifted into enjoying what we have in the present.  “Behind us are memories, beside us are friends, before us are dreams” – unknown

Now that a treatment has been announced, I have been researching ways to help. We are unable to give families checks, or send checks with a memo line to a hospital for a specific family. If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to message me! I’m all ears!

It is July 6th, 2017. Logan would be 5 years old today. How that can be? I have no idea. In an alternate reality, I am freaking out that my baby boy is starting Kindergarten in 4 weeks. I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to keep up with the energy of all the kids. Or mediating what movie to watch because Claudia *needs* Moana but Logan wants Cars and Lucas just wants to play a game in quiet.

But, that isn’t the case. Instead, we sit and watch Moana with no squabbling. We try to decide whether we are ready for Claudia to start part time preschool (she is, we are not haha). And how in the world is Lucas getting ready to start 5th grade and going with us to see Spider-man Homecoming this weekend?! Was he even born with the first Iron Man movie came out?!

Radio silence isn’t always bad. Some times it happens because you are so caught up in enjoying the moment and you don’t realize how much time has passed. Some times it is because words escape us and we don’t want anything to be fake or disingenuous. Time is precious, as we have learned the hard way. No one has time to read a post with feigned happiness. To benefit us all, it has to be sincere.

And for now, I believe I can say, it is truly sincere ❤

Happy 5th Birthday Logan Boy ❤ We miss you terribly. Now and always.


Thank you for reading this far ❤ And now…some updated pictures 🙂

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It is done!!!! …for now 🙂

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In May 2012, we picked strawberries for the first time. A very pregnant Tia was taking the photo. Every year, the tradition of strawberry picking stands.

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This is from a special project by Lost and Found ❤ Claudia was a little over 2 years old

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Meet our newest family members! Max and Belle

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My gift from Brett this year were these beautiful pictures

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Lucas-10 and Claudia-3

Hard times will always reveal true friends

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Today, I saw these two pictures/sayings on Facebook. It made me stop and think. “Hard times will always reveal true friends” is a saying that has held true over my life. This isn’t to say anything bad about anyone or to point fingers at any one individual. Its about realizing the ones who are truly there for you and learning to let go of the ones who aren’t. I just had a conversation about this topic a few days ago with a friend I met through this SMA journey. Her little girl is also going through this disease. We discussed that those who we lean on now are not who we thought they would be. If you would have told me this time last year the struggles we are facing and asked who would be here and how I am dealing with them, I would have laughed. I would have listed off a few people, told you that I would be a hysterical mess and then ask why in the world you would wish something like that on me.

Sometimes you outgrow people. Sometimes they weren’t truly there at all. Sometimes they want to be there, but just not sure how. My friend’s little girl is not doing great right now, and its hard to find the right words to say to her. I understand that people don’t really know what to say to me, because I don’t always know what to say to my friend and I am going through the same dang thing!

At the same time, hard times reveal relationships that would have never come about any other way. I cannot begin to list all the people we have met and now have close friendships with that I am convinced would have never happened without Logan’s diagnosis. The most incredible thing that has happened so far is experiencing the support of complete strangers, both local and abroad.

Locally, the school system has sponsored two fundraisers for Logan. I mentioned a while back about “Kisses for Logan”, a fundraiser where they sold $.50 lollipops and delivered them to the students on Valentines day.  A certain group of individuals stepped up and made sure every student in the school received a sucker. Some parents sponsored an entire class to be sure they received one. All in all, almost 3,000 lollipops were sold and delivered all for Logan. They also told Logan’s story and passed a bucket during homecoming. It warms my heart that they have helped us spread awareness to even more who may have not heard about SMA. In total, they raised $1700 for Logan! Never in a million years would I have ever imagined this!

What is amusing, is that Brett and I have been trying to move out of Strafford for close to three years now. Each time we have a plan in place, something happens that puts us back a year. The first time, I lost my job. The second, I became pregnant against the odds. The third, Logan’s diagnosis. And yet, this community has outstretched its arms and given more support than I could have ever imagined.

Abroad, we have had so many individuals give to help cover Logan’s expenses. From  postcards, to jewelry, chocolate, and cupcakes, to the online donations through fundrazr, and the shirts that help spread awareness: So many have taken time to help us. With the online store, we have had 53 orders with 107 items waiting to be printed. We were concerned about having 25 items to start printing! I think I am still in shock over how much everyone loves the design and wants to help spread awareness!

In the end, you never know what is going to happen. And you can only speculate who will be there when everything seems to crash down around you. Don’t be sad if the ones you expected to stay aren’t there. Rather, cherish those who are still there and welcome the new friendships that have come about. You never know when that small message over facebook or through email will change your life forever.